Communicating With Your Child's Teacher - A Child's Perspective
I have had several conversations with parents lately who are completely stressed over their decision to return to school. What decision is best for their child? What decision is best for their family? What expectations should they have regarding COVID-19 protocols? What expectations should they have regarding their child’s school administrators and teachers?
To worsen this dilemma, many parents are afraid to communicate with their child’s school. They fear the possible retribution doing so may bring. No one wants their child to be potentially ostracized. For parents of children with special needs, this fear can become so strong is literally makes them immovable.
If you have older school-age children, their reaction to your intention to communicate with their teachers is often met by strong emotions. Pay close attention to their comments. Children know far more about the cultural attitudes of their school and teachers when parents are not around. While their reactions should not deter you, they may provide necessary information for questions in your parent-teacher conversations in the future. Prepare yourself for a few of the most familiar student reactions to parents communicating with their teachers.
1. Am I in trouble? This is a natural question for children to ask when you want to speak to their teachers. It does not necessarily mean they have done something wrong or that they have poor grades. They are concerned because they have often worked extremely hard to develop their personality and individual relationships in an environment away from home. Our children are truly growing into “little people” and want to be respected as such. Use this time to reassure them that you are confident in their abilities. As a parent, it is your responsibility to make certain that everyone involved in their growth and development are on the same page. While you are concerned about them, not all conversations are negative. Explain that they are the student, and you have questions that must be answered by adults.
2. Are you going to embarrass me? How can you not? The older our children become, the less they want to see us in their school. OK. We are still the parents. Simply ask them to further explain what they mean. Use this as an opportunity for them to advise you on how to proceed. In doing so, you are encouraging your child to become far more invested in their education. If the motivation for the meeting has you already quite emotionally charged, a conversation with your child is even more crucial. They may have a valid concern for wanting you to calm down and regain yourself before making any public moves. Emotionally heated conversations with teachers usually do not foster positive long-term benefits. It is always better to approach concerns with a prepared, logical, and well-thought out plan. In these situations, your child may very well be asking you a valid question.
3. What are you going to talk about? What an excellent question! This is also an opportunity to encourage your child to think logically by asking them for their conversation topics. If your child is aware of your concerns, he/she may be asking for clarity on how you are going to discuss your concerns. While I will discuss this is an upcoming blog, my simple rule is if you cannot find something positive to say, say nothing. Your positive statement may come through gritted teeth, still express it. While easing the conversation, it encourages your audience to listen to your concerns.
4. You’re going to get me into trouble. Your child is very afraid. Reassure your child that they will not be in trouble. All of the adults are there to support them through everything. We cannot do anything alone and they have your protection should anything occur.
5. They said they would call you. I have always received this comment as a feeble attempt to slow time. Parents, please forge ahead. If the teacher had intentions to call you, something may have come up. That is life. You can tell your child that will definitely welcome your reaching out all the more!
6. My teacher doesn’t call on me. This is good information. Allow your child to expand by asking a series of probing questions: Who does the teacher call on? What class is this? Do you raise your hand? Where do you sit? Are your friends close to you? Are you able to hear the teacher? Can you see the board? While our world has gone mostly into a virtual classroom setting, your child may require more encouragement from the teacher to fully participate by having their name called directly. Again, your child is providing good information.
7. I am afraid to ask a question. This comment is always a heart-breaker. It keeps parents awake at night and makes you want to holler at anyone who will listen. Regardless of your child’s current academic or behavioral situation, this comment has an element of truth which must be explored. All of our children, esp. those with special and/or behavioral needs, require our support. Listening to your child’s feelings strengthens your relationship while providing targeted information to explore in upcoming communication with the teacher.
Parenting is an active verb. As such, we must be encouraged to become actively involved throughout our child’s education. Know that your decision to communicate with your child’s teacher is always a positive decision. Always.